Divorce

 I am divorced, life is hell. It snuck up, I wasn't ready. She cheated, told me about it, with her friend, a woman she grew up with. I wanted to get it back to good, she said she did, she lied. She chose her, distanced herself from me, planned it all out for maximum damage to me and my senses, emotions, finances, and then she dropped the hammer. It worked, I was so unhinged I signed away my life, she said we would fill out the papers together, we would both agree, i signed, she filled them out, sent them in. After 20 years, I would have said I know her, I did not. There were things, childhood issues, things that happened, or nearly did, that she never told me about. Some parts of her past that seemed harmless, werent. It's been 9 and a half months, I'm homeless, basically. Living with her brother, living on little. Had to get a loan from my parents, I'm 48, could I be more humiliated, probably, but not by much. I see the kids every Thursday for a few hours, and every other weekend for two days, it's not about the money, or the 60 hour weeks, it's about seeing them every single day their whole lives and then almost not at all. She tells them things, that I was abusing her, that a judge took them away, that I was bad to her, they ask me, I tell the truth, she threatens to tell the court I'm lying, i say, I won't lie to my children, if you choose to, I will correct you. There is a hearing, soon, the truth will come out, I want my kids back, this is not justice, this is criminal, to take them from me, for her selfishness.  

The Judge

Judge Judy is insane. I had not watched her show in probably ten years, then I saw her show on Youtube, decided to revisit it.
The people that go to her court have serious issues, it's almost like Judge Jerry, as if these people were rejected from going on The Jerry Springer show, because they were just a tad bit too stable. From watching probably around 20 of her cases, between yesterday, and today, most of the issues stem from relationships gone bad, or relationships that are going bad. Judy usually addresses the more level headed of the parties involved in the dispute to try to make sense of what actually occurred.

Workout

I did my diet workout last night, is it possible to hurt yourself with your own back fat? If something was going to eat me, I would be juicy, and delicious. Also very slow, when I run, the motion of my body halo makes me sort of gyrate, like running carrying a large vessel of liquid, you go where it wants you to go. Seriously, I was doing the cardio parts, and it felt like I had man boobs on my back. On a related, but totally random note, is it possible to be healthy? Every blog, every website, every fitness "expert" will tell you something else will work better. I am in several groups on Facebook, (fb). One claims that Turmeric is the best food ever, another says that Colloidal silver bought from the store is crap, you have to make it yourself, and if you do it right it is the fountain of youth. I belong to many groups that all have the answer, which means none of them do?  At my desk, I have raw, unblended, unfiltered, undiluted, uncooked honey, I have baking soda, Braggs organic, raw, unfiltered, unpasteurized, gluten free Apple cider vinegar, I have Quinoa, uncooked unprocessed, whole oats, Dehydrated peanut butter, raw almonds, fresh picked english walnuts, Dr. Christophers Lower Bowel formula, unfiltered grapefruit seed extract, Kashi Go Lean Crunch Cereal. All of these things except the cereal, have mounds of information about how they will make you live longer, feel better, jump higher, etc.. I have made 4 different kinds of homemade toothpaste, all from different ingredients, they have essential oils, diatomaceous earth, cinnamon, cardamom, Bentonite clay, coconut oil, and a slew of other things. I guess what it comes down to, when you want to be healthy, you can buy any product in the world, but unless you utilize it, it won't do you any good. The devil on my desk is still smiling at me, tempting me, he looks so good, but he is still here, unopened.

I ate the devil.

I started this new diet, yeah I know, you just groaned, or moaned, I said the "D" word. Sorry, I didn't want to do it, but I'm so fat, I only see my feet when I'm nearly unconscious, having exhaled as much as I can trying to tie my overburdened footwear. I feel like I'm at the gym, and I need a spotter, "Honey can you brace your back on the wall and try to crush me for a minute, make sure you are pushing where the 2 x 4 in the wall is please?  Velcro seems like a good idea these days. I am in my 40's, not halfway yet, but more than halfway to halfway. So every day I log in on line, I enter how many meals, snacks, ounces of water etc... I have ingested. I lost 8 pounds last week, would have been more, if not for my daughters birthday party. Anyway, so at my work, we get free snacks, chips, donuts, granola, there are even free soda fountains, sounds great, but not when you are trying to cut back. So, last week I picked up some donuts, the little sleeve with 6 baby donuts, in a little donut crib, so you can open the end, and let them all slide into your mouth. I decided to try not to eat them, so I took a marker and wrote on the plastic, "I am the devil." I kinda hid the package, so people walking by don't think I am saying that "I" am the devil, people think enough stuff about me already. Last week my resolve was strong, this week after a disastrous weekend, it crumbled like tiny donuts, skydiving from a sleeve, into my smiling gob. I actually did not eat them yet, but they increase in beauty every half hour or so, and I still have five and a half hours left of work, so maybe my title was a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's almost lunch time, have a nice day.